Put the Fire Out #2

(taken from www.smalleyonline.com)

The most helpful way that I've found to deal with conflict without getting trapped in escalation or withdrawal is by developing a set of rules. These rules or agreed-upon strategies keep us from becoming distracted by the emotions of an argument. They provide guidelines for what is in bounds and what is out, who can speak when and in what way, and how both will listen to the other. Rules do not remove the emotions or solve the problem; instead, they make the disagreement manageable by setting the stage for constructive communication. Finally, rules allow the real issues to be uncovered much faster.

Eight Rules For Protecting Your Relationship During Conflict

1. Above all, strive to reflect HONOR in all of your words and actions during a conflict.
2. Select An Appropriate TIME AND PLACE.
3. Agree to use a TIME-OUT when things get out of control or escalate. However, agree to resume the discussion when your emotions have cooled off.
4. The best type of COMMUNICATION is to actively listen and repeat what you mate is saying. This slows down the process and allows each person to feel heard and understood.
5. Attempt to find a "WIN-WIN" SOLUTION—where needs are met on both sides. Techniques like "brainstorming" and "pros vs. cons" lists work great.
6. ACCEPT ANY BLAME for your part in the conflict and FORGIVE each other.
7. PROTECT times of fun, friendship and sensuality from conflict by agreeing to deal with the conflict at a later time.
8. Make conflict resolution a REGULAR HABIT!


You may be thinking that this sounds too strict or complicated, but as you'll see, it's not. Rules like the ones above can help to prevent poorly handled conflict from harming the wonderful things in your marriage. By creating your own personalized set of conflict rules you can greatly facilitate your ability to handle disagreements in a manner that protects intimacy and promotes growth in your relationship.