Put the Fire Out

(from Marriage Today:www.marriagetoday.org)

Conflict resolution skills are critical for us to learn. The reason is because we are sure to have conflict in marriage. Without the ability to successfully resolve our problems, anger and emotional distance builds over time.

Every marriage has problems, even good marriages. The difference between a good and a bad marriage is simply the ability to work through our problems. The good news is every person can learn the skills of successful conflict resolution. Regardless of the mistakes you may have made in the past, you can turn your marriage and life around by learning these skills. By the way, conflict resolution skills don't just work in marriage they help us in every relationship.

Because this issue is so important, I'm going to spend the next several weeks explaining to you the different skills involved in dealing with problems when they occur. I'm going to begin by talking about how to deal with your anger.

Ephesians 4:26 says, "Be angry, and do not sin, do not let the sun go down on your anger..." NKJV The first thing the Apostle Paul tells us about dealing with anger is that we must acknowledge it. He says, "Be angry..." Denying anger doesn't make it go away, it makes it build up until it explodes in a destructive and unmanageable manner.

When Karen and I got married, we didn't know how to deal with our anger. We both stuffed a lot of it inside and about every three months we would have an explosive fight. Sometimes our fights were about the dumbest little things but they were just the spark that caused the stored up anger inside of us to explode.

What we learned over time is that we couldn't go to bed on anger. We not only learned to accept our own anger but we also learned that we had to give each other the right to be angry and to express anger. In dysfunctional relationships, there is always a wrong method of dealing with anger. The range goes from an explosive anger that damages others to an enabling spouse who lives in the fear of their own anger and what might happen if they were honest about it. Many people live in fear of their own anger and their spouse's anger. This is one of the ways you know you aren't resolving conflict properly.

Anger isn't necessarily good or bad it's just real. As human beings we get angry. Sometimes it is because we've been genuinely violated. In other cases, it's because we're immature or have unrealistic expectations or are selfish. When I'm angry and need to get it out I'm not claiming that I'm right, I'm just angry.

Learning to be honest about your anger and allowing your spouse to do the same is the first step in successful conflict resolution. Remember, Paul said, "Be angry and do not sin..."

Once you are able to accept your anger you must also commit to doing the right thing with it. You can never use your anger to justify unrighteous behavior. The end doesn't justify the means. How you resolve conflict is crucial. It must be done in a manner that honors God and treats your spouse with dignity and care.